Jack and His Hard Lump

Abstract

JACK, AND HIS HARD LUMP.

“HALLOO, Jack! Halloo! Won’t you have a glass this cold morning?” cried a bloated-looking tavern-keeper to a jolly Jack Tar who was smartly stepping along the road.
Jack had formerly been a hard drinker, and had spent many a bright sovereign in the tavern he was now passing, but about a year ago he had signed the Temperance pledge.
“No, landlord, no! I can’t drink : I’ve got a hard lump at my side.” As the witty sailor said these words he pressed his hand against his side, adding, “Oh, this hard lump !”
“It’s all through leaving off grog,” replied the landlord : “some good drink will take your lump away. If you are fool enough to keep on teetotal, your lump will get bigger, and very likely you’ll be having a hard lump at your other side.”
“True! true! old boy,” with a hearty laugh, responded the merry tar, as he briskly drew out a bag of gold from his side-pocket, and held it up to the publican’s gaze: “This is my hard lump. You are right in saying that if I drink, my lump will go away, and if I stick to teetotal I shall have a bigger lump. Good-bye to you, landlord. By God’s help I’ll keep out of your net, and try to get a lump at both sides!”